The Kindling Humor Magazine

By Sophia Fischer

To be read like a standup comedian 

I was helping my boyfriend out and cleaning his bathroom, I looked over and he’s got what looks like a jug of motor oil sitting on his shelf. I slowly turn it over and it’s 25 in 1 wash. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MIX ENOUGH CHEMICHALS TO USE IT FOR 25 DIFFRENT THINGS??? And how can you feel comfortable putting that on your body? Oh and the smell. Take a wild guess what it’s called. “Manly man wilderness muscle bear beef jerky”…the body wash is scented as ‘manly man wilderness muscle bear beef jerky’ literally what is that. I’ve never thought he smelled bad but this is just so shocking. I couldn’t hide my face either and he comes in to help, sees me and is like “Babe is everything ok?” “oh yeah hun, other than the fact I’m holding your shampoo, conditioner, body wash, shaving cream, toilet cleaner,  dish soap, laundry detergent, shoe cleaner, and more ALL IN ONE FUCKING BOTTLE” and he was all like “Well yeah that’s so much easier than having so many different products plus this bitch is like $5, I mean what a steal! And it smells like manly man wilderness muscle bear beef jerky!” My jaw literally dropped. Like there is no way he thinks it’s ok to use this. I asked him “Do you actually use this for everything the bottle lists?” “well duh how else am I gonna shower, do the dishes, do my laundry, and clean the bathroom?” I just didn’t know what to say. I just turned to him and said “we’re buying you separate products like right now. And we’re picking a boy smell like bergamont. Like genuinely what the fuck is wilderness muscle bear”.